100-Words Flash Friday Fictioneers

13 04 2012

Had time this week to dabble with the Flash Friday Fictioneer photo from Madison Woods.  My writing went in a kind-of peculiar direction, but I continued to follow it and here it is:

Walk Across America

Hi, Mom.  It’s me.  I can’t believe today is the day.  It is hard to imagine that after eight months of training, today is the day.  Turning back?  You want to know if I’m going to bag it now?  Are you freaking crazy?  Am I scared?  Hell, yeah, wouldn’t you be?   Am I going to call?  Mom, I didn’t even freaking leave yet. I know, Mom, this is hard on you.  Please Mom, please, I am going to be ok.  I love you, Mom. I’ll call you soon. Bye.

 Here goes, through the tunnel, one footstep at a time, until I get home.  Why would she understand, she never left her Long Island neighborhood.

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41 responses

13 04 2012
allenjambalaya

What is he training for? Is he a train driver? I like to interpret it that way. It’s vague in a good way. I like mysteries. Hehe.

I know you visited mine already but I’m leaving my link here for others to see: http://allenjambalaya.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/the-tunnel-a-poem

13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Hey Allen…thanks for reading…I thought the title made the connection…walk across America…traindriver? cool…

13 04 2012
littlewonder2

I take it the first paragraph is him leaving and the second is him returning?

Well, great character voice, first of all. But I thought the two sections of the fiction was a little detached from each other, and the event the story was a little lost on me.

In other words, what is he talking about? But if you just pull those two things together, the voice could make it an enjoyable read.

13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Thanks for the input…

13 04 2012
susielindau

Get out while you still caaaaaaaaaaan! Great use of the prompt. The tunnel to a brand new life. She could be 34 years old…

13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Yes, Susie…that was where I was going with the tunnel…thanks for reading and commenting

13 04 2012
susielindau

Oh yah. Here is mine in case your readers are interested.
http://susielindau.com/2012/04/13/high-hopes-150-word-flash-fiction/

13 04 2012
erinleary

It was clear to me what the speaker (I assumed it was a she!) was about to do. I was with her all the way!

Mine is here: http://erinleary.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/flash-friday-fiction-2/

13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Glad you got it…the funny thing is, when I was writing, I was seeing it as a 20-something guy, sheltered by an old-world mother from Long Island…thanks for sharing

13 04 2012
janmorrill

I love the way you wrote most of the story as a letter. Very creative use of the photo prompt!

–Jan
http://janmorrill.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/1571/

13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

it was really meant to be a phone call…but the same idea…thanks for commenting

13 04 2012
janmorrill

Oh, of course! Otherwise he’s responding to himself. Sorry. Still, I liked it very much!

13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

not my best effort, that is for sure…but a good practice, nonetheless

13 04 2012
rich

one of the dangers in writing one side of a phone call is dialogue that doesn’t seem real, which happens because you have to give an idea of what the other person is saying. then we end up repeating what they said, so it’s a good writing challenge to say answer an unheard question. i think you handled it.

13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Rich, thanks for the input…and critique…I value constructive thoughts…always welcomed…

13 04 2012
teschoenborn

Interesting, an overprotectve OCD homebound parent perhaps?

Here’s mine:http://teschoenborn.com/2012/04/13/friday-fictioneers-3/

13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

too funny, but yes…I saw mom as an old world italian lady from Long Island…who has been the one in control of the big family…and yes…overprotective…just a fun play with writing

13 04 2012
Brooke Ryter
13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Thanks Brooke for reading…it was fun to play with…pretty benign compared to some of the scarier approaches

13 04 2012
Beth Carter

I read it just as you intended, I believe. A young guy embarking on a mission–a walk across America–who can’t get off the phone (or out the door for that matter) because his overprotective mother who never leaves her front yard is a bundle of nerves. (Long, wordy sentence.) Sounds just like my mom!

My story is here: http://www.banterwithbeth.blogspot.com/

13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Beth, you got it…thanks for reading and commenting…your thoughts are always welcomed

13 04 2012
Janet

I agree with teschoenborn above. I thought it was a young man’s “first step” away from an overprotecive mom with severe social anxiety. Cool.
Here’s mine: http://postcardfiction.com/2012/04/13/the-incident/

13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Yes, Janet, me too…never would have planned that direction, but that is what came forward…it was fun

13 04 2012
Rick Daddario

wow Kris – that is potent. and several reads brings it into focus. i like that. aloha.

13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Glad you got it…it was a good exercise…always learning

13 04 2012
Lindy

well I liked it. I was immediately able to relate to the frustration and hostility,even the determination in the face of his fear. The tunnel doesn.t even have to be real. It may even just exist in his mind’s eye. It represents those dreadful first steps. Nice work. I love fiction.

13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Hi Lindy…thanks for sharing…glad you could relate…you got it…

13 04 2012
Amanda Gray Woodward

That is great I travel the country and my family didn’t understand at first but now they think they do. They don’t though. You never understand until you explore the unknown and conquer your own fears.

13 04 2012
13 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Yes, Amanda, what you wrote ales so much sense, thanks for commenting.

14 04 2012
Judee

You managed to take a one sided conversation with Mom and still make me hear Mom’s voice on the other end! Good one, and creative use of the prompt.

14 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

thanks Judee. I appreciate your observations and input…thanks for stopping by.

14 04 2012
Lora Mitchell

Interesting. I bet he only gets a few miles and runs back home because i see him still tied to mama’s apron strings. Especially, an Italian mama. All he has to do is miss her homemade Italian meals…and voila…he’s at the door. lol. Nice work. Here’s mine:
http://www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com

14 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

I hope he breaks away and finds his own life…you made me smile…and you are probably right. Thanks for stopping by.

14 04 2012
elmowrites

I thought your story was clear, although the bit about “until he got home” and the detail of the long island home suddenly gave me a doubt – is he walking away (as I thought) or back? Hmm…
I liked the phone call – I thought you handled it well, even with the need to sometimes repeat Mom’s questions. It was just the last paragraph that I thought could use any tweaking.

I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/friday-fiction-the-tunnel/

14 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Thanks for the input…I wanted the title to assist the writing with the idea that he is “finding himself” and walking across America…I always value input…and yours was helpful…thank you

14 04 2012
Michael Fishman

I like the way you wrote the one-sided phone conversation. Sometimes that type of dialogue is difficult to follow but I didn’t have a problem with yours. I imagined him as a young man just setting out into the world on his own for the first time.

14 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Hi Michael…yes, you saw what I saw…thanks for your comments…I always welcome input…

14 04 2012
Madison Woods

I saw it as a young man about to leave home for the walk-a-thon and his mother overly protective. The only part a little confusing was the one step at a time toward home but what I think you meant by that is that the walk will come home and the whole distance is going to be done one step at a time.

14 04 2012
Kris Kennedy

Hi Madison…yes, I wrote it as a search for life kind of experience where he was going to walk through that tunnel and walk across America…to find himself, to find independence…from an overbearing mother and culture…thanks for reading and commenting…it was a fun exercise…always wonder in such exercises where the inspiration comes from…still am wondering…

16 04 2012
Shirley McCann

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