100-Words Flash Friday Fictioneers

Had time this week to dabble with the Flash Friday Fictioneer photo from Madison Woods.  My writing went in a kind-of peculiar direction, but I continued to follow it and here it is:

Walk Across America

Hi, Mom.  It’s me.  I can’t believe today is the day.  It is hard to imagine that after eight months of training, today is the day.  Turning back?  You want to know if I’m going to bag it now?  Are you freaking crazy?  Am I scared?  Hell, yeah, wouldn’t you be?   Am I going to call?  Mom, I didn’t even freaking leave yet. I know, Mom, this is hard on you.  Please Mom, please, I am going to be ok.  I love you, Mom. I’ll call you soon. Bye.

 Here goes, through the tunnel, one footstep at a time, until I get home.  Why would she understand, she never left her Long Island neighborhood.

41 Replies to “100-Words Flash Friday Fictioneers”

  1. I take it the first paragraph is him leaving and the second is him returning?

    Well, great character voice, first of all. But I thought the two sections of the fiction was a little detached from each other, and the event the story was a little lost on me.

    In other words, what is he talking about? But if you just pull those two things together, the voice could make it an enjoyable read.

  2. one of the dangers in writing one side of a phone call is dialogue that doesn’t seem real, which happens because you have to give an idea of what the other person is saying. then we end up repeating what they said, so it’s a good writing challenge to say answer an unheard question. i think you handled it.

    1. too funny, but yes…I saw mom as an old world italian lady from Long Island…who has been the one in control of the big family…and yes…overprotective…just a fun play with writing

  3. I read it just as you intended, I believe. A young guy embarking on a mission–a walk across America–who can’t get off the phone (or out the door for that matter) because his overprotective mother who never leaves her front yard is a bundle of nerves. (Long, wordy sentence.) Sounds just like my mom!

    My story is here: http://www.banterwithbeth.blogspot.com/

  4. well I liked it. I was immediately able to relate to the frustration and hostility,even the determination in the face of his fear. The tunnel doesn.t even have to be real. It may even just exist in his mind’s eye. It represents those dreadful first steps. Nice work. I love fiction.

  5. You managed to take a one sided conversation with Mom and still make me hear Mom’s voice on the other end! Good one, and creative use of the prompt.

  6. Interesting. I bet he only gets a few miles and runs back home because i see him still tied to mama’s apron strings. Especially, an Italian mama. All he has to do is miss her homemade Italian meals…and voila…he’s at the door. lol. Nice work. Here’s mine:

  7. I thought your story was clear, although the bit about “until he got home” and the detail of the long island home suddenly gave me a doubt – is he walking away (as I thought) or back? Hmm…
    I liked the phone call – I thought you handled it well, even with the need to sometimes repeat Mom’s questions. It was just the last paragraph that I thought could use any tweaking.

    I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/friday-fiction-the-tunnel/

    1. Thanks for the input…I wanted the title to assist the writing with the idea that he is “finding himself” and walking across America…I always value input…and yours was helpful…thank you

  8. I like the way you wrote the one-sided phone conversation. Sometimes that type of dialogue is difficult to follow but I didn’t have a problem with yours. I imagined him as a young man just setting out into the world on his own for the first time.

  9. I saw it as a young man about to leave home for the walk-a-thon and his mother overly protective. The only part a little confusing was the one step at a time toward home but what I think you meant by that is that the walk will come home and the whole distance is going to be done one step at a time.

    1. Hi Madison…yes, I wrote it as a search for life kind of experience where he was going to walk through that tunnel and walk across America…to find himself, to find independence…from an overbearing mother and culture…thanks for reading and commenting…it was a fun exercise…always wonder in such exercises where the inspiration comes from…still am wondering…

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