Got some freedom in my truth today – Starbucks was the classroom! I had the privilege of saying hello to a friend today in Starbucks and she asked about my writing. I spoke it out loud! I told her I hadn’t been writing manuscripts lately because I had lost faith in myself. I said it. I had known what was going on inside for some time, but I finally said it out loud. In one way it felt really good, in another way it was pridefully unsettling, so I then quickly commented that I was writing poetry and other things – to cover up my own shame or judgment.
I left Starbucks with a myriad of feelings: relief that I finally exposed feelings that were containing and blocking my creativity and desires; self-condemnation for not driving myself towards a goal, fear of what others might think if I am less than (even though I knew this person understood and was very accepting of me – it wasn’t about her, it was about old feelings of shame, I knew that); and if I dig deep enough I know there are more. I am not unique. I know you have had such experiences. We have multiple feelings, simultaneous feelings, and contradictory feelings inside all of the time. I am challenged anew every time an event like this occurs because I have come to learn that my goal is not to necessarily judge the feelings, shame the feelings, make them all go away, but can I be with all of them, accept them, and know that they are all present for a reason without judgment.
The gift of the morning was that I exposed that I have been struggling with writing; I exposed the fears of a next step in the process; and I didn’t judge all of the internal responses and feelings. Grace and acceptance are wonderful things.
Hope today is a day that you can extend yourself grace, expose safely things that are hindering you, and accept that in this moment
feelings can be simultaneous, complimentary, and conflicting, and they are all ok. I am glad that I went to Starbucks
and saw a friend.